Having recently experienced the rather abrupt ending of yet another relationship, I’m determined never to repeat such shock and heart-break – ever again. So I have come up with some questions to see if the next guy I speak to is a conscious guy.
This is the second guy who’s done a totally unexpected runner on me in 2 years and I’m beginning to wonder what the heck I’m doing wrong.
I processed the end of my last relationship for months; grieved, forgave, let go, healed my wounds, meditated, moved on. I’ve read so many books and done so many courses on conscious relating, I deserve an honorary PhD!
But somehow all this self-enquiry has gotten me nowhere fast.
A beautiful man promised me the world – and delivered it for 2 ecstatic months – only to do a complete 180 degree about-turn without a hint of warning, and bugger off, never to be seen again!
Talk about having not just the rug, but the entire earth pulled out from under your feet!
Now, at this point I can see you might be wondering what kind of crazy woman I must be to provoke such an extreme reaction in a guy. Or what terrible deed I did to prompt him, right?
Well, look, my kids do think I’m a little “weird”, I’ll admit that. But they say it with a lot of love and kindness, as if they’re secretly proud that I’m not quite like most of the other Mums at the school gate.
My weirdness (to them at least) is defined by the fact that I practice yoga and meditate, dance like a banshee, express my love and emotions unselfconsciously, paint yoni’s, don’t dye my hair and challenge conventional opinion.
But, hey, I’ve got a ton of wonderful friends, have a stable existence, do work I love, and am beautiful, radiant, fit, healthy, loving, intelligent, fun, open, easy-going, feminine and – even if I say so myself – hot stuff in bed 😉
So that rules out the “you must be a complete freak” argument as far as I’m concerned.
Now, if we look at what awful words or deeds of mine might have precipitated such a rude departure, there was no disagreement or bad feeling between us of any kind.
On our last day together, in fact, we made love for hours, shared breakfast in bed, then went for a leisurely stroll in the woods before I gave him a devoted 2-hour tantric massage. Poor guy, I hear you saying. How on earth could he bear it?!
But actually, folks, never a truer word was said than in jest, for as I’ve struggled to make sense of what happened, a part of it does seem to come back to just how much loving he could take.
As any true new-ager should, I’ve cross-examined myself left, right and centre to see how I’ve vibrated this situation into being and what unconscious patterns it reflects.
And I’ve also sought input and advice from a myriad of friends, all of them wise, insightful, compassionate and, a fair number of them, professionally qualified therapists and healers.
So here’s what it comes down to – even though I implemented a whole new “what are your core values?” screening technique this time around, he got through the net and into my heart (and bed) because he told me what I wanted to hear and I believed him.
He spoke and acted with such sincerity and integrity, in fact, that I reckon he believed himself – initially. My energetically sensitive shit-detector would have sniffed out any incongruence otherwise.
Only trouble was, he couldn’t sustain his story of wanting a conscious, tantric relationship, communicating transparently, oh, and the minor detail of me being everything he’d ever wanted in a woman.
Why? Because he didn’t have a foundation in any kind of awareness practice, he’d never done any work on himself, he knew nothing about authentic relating or conscious communication, and – as it turned out – he had the biggest mother-fucking mother complex I’ve come across!
So when something came up for him as a result of our relationship (must have been a biggy!), he simply wasn’t able to identify or process it, let alone separate me out from being the “cause” of it, or communicate with me about what was going on.
He simply closed himself off and bolted.
Was it my choice to engage with this man because I fell in love with the beauty of his heart? Absolutely! Was I naïve in thinking that love alone could balance out our imbalance in personal and spiritual evolution? Yes. Did I leap into the depths of intimate relationship with him at a rate of knots? Yes, that too.
Do I regret it? Not for a minute.
The gift of those intense 2 months was an opening into love, mystical union and the deep feminine beyond anything I’ve ever known. Plus the realization that my heart is strong and open – whether I’m with someone or alone.
Will I do it differently next time? I intend to. Starting at the very beginning.
If it’s one thing I’ve come to understand as a result of this, it’s that a woman who’s been on a spiritual path for 15 years, has invested £1,000s in her development and who now teaches sacred sexuality and authentic relating for a living is NOT going to be matched by a man who doesn’t have a similar background or shared passion for awakening through intimacy.
It’s not that I know it all. I clearly don’t! But, I feel like I’ve been blind both to my power and wisdom as an awakening woman, as well as lacking in compassionate discernment in my partner choices.
So I’m setting the bar much higher from now on and have devised a whole new chat-up routine devised to sort out the wheat from the chaff.
Here are the 10 questions I ask (and now you can ask) to see if he is a conscious guy!
1) So, tell me about your meditation practice…
2) Have you sorted your mother complex out yet?
3) How long have you been practicing retention of your seed?
4) Who are your favourite teachers of conscious relationship?
5) Do you tend to withhold, withdraw or project & what triggers you?
6) What is your divine purpose or mission in this lifetime?
7) What can you teach me about tantra and living in awareness?
8) How do you feel about not having sex for at least 3 months?
9) Does anything stand in the way of your 100% commitment to a relationship?
10) What are you feeling in your body right now?
And while I write these with a cheeky grin on my face, imagining your reaction as you read them, to be honest, there’s actually nothing tongue in cheek about this at all.
If a man isn’t living on purpose and in embodied awareness, if he’s not committed to growing and awakening together through conscious relationship, I’m really not interested!
What questions do you ask on a date to see if he is a conscious guy? Leave your comments below!
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