Communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. We’ve all had experiences where communication between two people has broken down, often irreparably. It’s time to change course and become better communicators. In this interview, we will learn how to communicate in a relationship.
We speak to Ken Blackman, Ken is the Lead Orgasmic Meditation Instructor for OneTaste. OneTaste offers courses and coaching in Orgasm and everything that goes with it. To find out more, visit OneTaste.us.
Hi Ken. We all realize the great communication is pivotal in a developing a strong relationship with someone. How can we communicate in a relationship?
First of all, it’s important to remember that everything is a communication.
Everything. About 5% of any given communication is conveyed in the words, and words are sometimes the least revealing.
So, if you pay attention to everything, and notice more how-it-feels than what-it-might-mean, then you can start to pick up on all the nuances and metamessages, and you’ll discover your partner is already telling you everything you need to know.
Second, it’s really important to know that men and women use language differently.
Men think language is for conveying content, whereas women use language to evoke an emotional flavor in the listener — they skilfully exchange packets of emotion.
So a man may get annoyed when a woman is factually wrong, even though the emotional message is loud and clear; he deliberately tunes that channel out.
Meanwhile, a woman gets annoyed when a man uses the same language he uses for business deals and car repair in what is obviously an emotional situation, but it’s the only language he’s got. Unfortunately for him, her language is better suited for the stuff of relationships than his.
The men who do best with women are fluently bilingual.
How can men become better at the language women speak?
Ok, you know that moment when you strongly suspect she wants you to do the dishes, and you get irritated that she won’t just come out and say it?
Brother, if you picked up on it, then she communicated!
So stop pretending you didn’t get the message, or it doesn’t count if it’s not man-speak.
You want that spidey sense, you want to get good at listening to it and acting on it, because it’s exactly the same as the moment when she’s yelling, “I’m really irritated with you!” and you’re savvy enough to detect the hint of “Please just throw me on the bed right now!” that’s underneath it.
So make use of every opportunity to use that skill and be grateful for the intuitive connection.
And going in the other direction, I would recommend letting the real you out, not lying or hiding it.
When it comes to your emotions, she already knows. She knows you’re jealous, or angry, or horny.
Men don’t know this, but women often see guys as though they have big teleprompters on their foreheads, broadcasting everything that’s going on in there. And then everything that comes out of your mouth that conflicts with the teleprompter just makes you look like a liar.
So go in the other direction and expose yourself.
When you’re feeling awkward and unsure of what to do next, say it!
If you got jealous, admit it.
It’s hot, actually — a lot hotter than your calm cool exterior.
If you’re angry, go a layer deeper and admit where you got your feelings hurt.
Just assume she already knows, and that by acknowledging it, it creates the connection she’s looking for.
Great! We must tap into our own feelings and express them, rather than hold them back. What if there is a real communication breakdown – silence or arguments – what’s the solution to that?
That’s when it’s time to OM! Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a 15-minute practice we teach, in which he gently strokes her clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal other than to feel connected and feel what arises. It’s different from sex in that it’s structured and that we treat it as a practice. Meaning we don’t wait until we’re “in the mood” or aroused. OM actually helps ignite our libido. It’s like yoga for your sex life. We OM regularly. Especially when we’re fighting. It has both people feel better.
Usually the way it goes is, we’ll be in a big argument or simply not speaking to each other, and one of us will suggest an OM.
The initial reaction is usually, “Hell NO, not in a million years!” But we both know we’re going to feel better afterward.
So then it’s, “Well OK, but I’m warning you right now, I’m going to be just as mad at you afterward as I am now, so don’t think it’s going to change anything!”
But eventually we have the OM, and invariably we feel better afterward, and closer.
We may still be upset about the topic we’re in disagreement about, but we are, fundamentally, operating from a place of being connected, remembering why we chose each other, etc.
And whatever the thing is we were upset about invariably gets ironed out. OM naturally puts us in a state that’s conducive to resolving the issue.
I agree with you on that (as an OM practitioner myself). Do you think it’s important to create a framework for communication in a relationship? Or is that too logical, masculine and rigid?
I don’t know about “creating a framework,” that sounds like a poor substitute for getting to know your partner really well.
She’s never going to tell you she gets into fights with you sometimes because her body is at screech-level and burning off some energy in a fight puts her back into her comfort zone. (And that OMing can have the same effect.)
She may never tell you that she responds well to physical affection, or that she hates flowers and pretends to like them just to placate you.
You have to learn all of these things about your partner by paying exquisite attention to how it feels with each interaction.
What actually works, what feels good?
How important is it that we communicate from desire rather than fear?
Out on the savanna, if we catch the wildebeest we have a sumptuous meal. But if the lion catches us, we’re dead. That’s it; it’s over.
So, fear was way more important to our survival than desire. But that’s not the least bit true of our lives today.
The good that’s available is fantastic, and the bad isn’t fatal. And desire is a powerful fuel that points us toward a great life, and fear debilitates and paralyzes us.
So to be in balance with the modern world we need to push past the loud voice of our fears and listen to the voice of desire, and go where it points us. It’s not easy, but it’s something we get better at with practice, and there’s no shortcut to doing it.
So look for those moments when you’re thinking, I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt, and I have no guarantee that she’s going to reciprocate, AND I’m really attracted to her, and I’m going to listen to THAT voice and tell her.
Or, I’m afraid he’s going to complain about not enough time or it’s too expensive, AND I really want us to get away this weekend, and I know it’s just what we need right now and I’m going to stand by that.
When it comes to relationship, always let the turned-on voice lead the way. Don’t let the fear voice set the direction for the relationship.
Where should the level of acceptance be between a man and a woman in terms of the level of communication? Is there a level we should be trying to attain?
I don’t think there’s one answer for everyone.
It’s so often that I see people feeling locked and stuck around their partner’s communication style.
When I’m working with someone, the more I can get them to follow a few basic ideas, the more freedom and power they have to have this relationship or any relationship go well.
Everything is communication; everyone is communicating in everything they do. Pay as much attention to the emotional component as the factual content. Don’t pretend not to know when you do. Learn to decipher your partner’s particular metamessages. Notice where the feeling does or does not match the words.
Let non-verbal communication count as communication.
And then get the voice in the back of your head — the thing you least want to say out loud, the thing you’d say to your best friend but that makes you break out in hives just thinking about saying directly to your partner — get that voice out into the room. If you’re angry, go one layer deeper to see what the anger is protecting. Etc. Then people start to realize that their partner’s communication style is actually fine, and that they have all the tools needed to take the relationship to the next level. And their partner naturally starts to communicate better too.
Would you like to find out more about Orgasmic Meditation and how it can help improve your communication, please visit OneTaste.us
In Summary – How To Communicate In A Relationship
❤️ Listen and read all kinds of communication. Communication is NOT just verbal.
❤️ If you get into some kind of fight with your partner have some kind of meditation ritual or something you can agree on so that you can calm down and relax before things get out of hand. Communicate after the meditation.
❤️ Men… be more vulnerable and tell your partner what is going on in your heart.
❤️ Get to know your partner and their communication styles really well. Take notes if you can’t remember things.
❤️ Fully COMMIT to becoming a great communicator. Commit to it every day. It is a life long journey.
❤️ Forgive your partner and yourself if things don’t go completely right with the communication. Learn and improve for next time.
❤️ Never communicate with your partner over Whatsapp or Facebook when it is something that involves emotions. As we have said, so much communication is non verbal and you are missing all of that communication juice if you communication via phone messaging, email, etc. Go and meet your partner.
Good luck and remember that nobody is perfect! We are all human, trying to learn!