So you are ready to know how to find your soulmate, great! What a journey! At a very young age we heard comments that every boy or girl gets the kind of love-life they deserve. In school we heard we’ll one day find Mr Right or Prince Charming. When a breakup happens, we get empty blankets of comfort saying, “It’s okay, there’s more fish in the sea. Your soul mate is out there somewhere.”

If you’ve ever received such advice, you know how frustrating it is to hear. What is a soul mate? Is it part of a fantasy? How can you find yours? How will you know it when you see it? I’ll do my best to answer these questions in just five simple steps. This is my attempt at summarizing how to date for “true love”.

1. Identify a Set of Soul Mate Elements

A soul mate according to Dr. Carmen Carr, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, is someone who, in one way or another, completes you. This does not mean you are less of a human being apart, but you are enabled to grow more in their presence. It is interdependency where the two pieces add up to more than the individual parts. What creates this environment of growth can be attraction but it must be coupled with commitment and authenticity.

What elements are critical in the person you want to spend your life with? Write them down. A lot of people when doing this exercise initially overvalue physical traits and emotional attraction. If you’re a guy, it may help you to understand what men want in women as it verbalizes traits you’re unaware of.

That profound feeling of being with that someone who seems like a missing puzzle in your life may seem unexplainable. If you are unsure of your critical elements and want some help with what I believe explains the missing puzzle, there are three powerful things you can reflect on: acceptance, love, and growth. Differing elements that may help you (which have some similarities) are intimacy, commitment and passion. Psychologist Robert Sternberg says these are the three elements of a lasting relationship.

2. Set a Clear Purpose & Intention

The search for “the one”, “Mr. Right”, and our “one true love” is associated with our search for our soul mate. The indicator – the only person who can open the “locks” within us. For what purpose? To heal all pains from our past relationships, to make all heartaches vanish into oblivion, to put an official closure to that very sad chapter in your life, and to build that special bond that completes the essence of friendship and of love?

Sometimes you can set unrealistic expectations that idolize another. Other times the purpose is within your reach right now without a partner. Once you can identify what makes your soul mate, you create a clear purpose of what to look for and where to go.

One frequent complaint I hear from young women is there are “no good guys”. They are party girls that look for flings at bars. Firstly, what is a good guy? That is the first step of identifying soul mate elements mentioned above. Secondly, where can these elements be found? Is a bar really the best place to reach your purpose?

Make the intention to the universe that you are ready do call in your soulmate. I have done it and she showed up. Put that intention out there. Say it allowed. Be patient. THEY WILL SHOW UP.

3. Eliminate False Soulmates

How to find your soulmate… some people fall prey into wrong relationships because of indicators thought to be part of lasting love. These indicators include strong attraction towards the opposite sex, lust, longing to be with someone’s companion, and the likes.

The easiest way to filter out false soulmates is to know your non-negotiables. If you have no tolerance for smoking, find that out and set your boundary. If you have religious expectations, have a discussion. Even better, go to where your non-negotiables are likely to exist.

Another filter is in moments of conflict. Fights are inevitable. Are each of you able to fight in a way that builds the other up? Or is the fight filled with name-calling and other brash judgments? You can try to grow with another person by learning to fight, but repeat offences are a red flag.

At this point, it is fair enough to say that Mr. or Ms. Soulmate has not yet arrived. It’s best to move away from a false soul mate instead of hoping that they’ll soon develop into your Mr. or Ms. Right. Don’t base finding your soulmate on passionate attraction as it is temporary and never lasts without effort.

4. Check for the Signs of Soulmate Bond vs False Soul Mate Connection

With the wrong partner, the vows of marriage like through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and that for better or for worst are sometimes not fulfilled. But with your soulmate, you will experience complete acceptance. A soulmate loves you for who you are and will even fall in love with you more due to your imperfections.

You are not perfect and so is your partner. Failure to accept these imperfections, whether you do not see them or because you refuse to believe them, creates a false connection that lacks authenticity.

With this false connection after marriage, you find yourselves struggling through various hurdles – constant arguments, financial constraints, depression, and the likes. I don’t want to deny you the possibility of working through it together because it can be repaired with lots of love and growth together.

Be aware of the false connection as you communicate to anyone daily brings more authenticity to your relationships.

5. Gentle Reminders of How To Find Your Soulmate

  1. Do not make every date serious. I know finding your soulmate feels like a big thing. I warn you just because it can tear you from a potential soul mate within the first few weeks or months of seeing them. You can end up saying things that make you overly clingy. Don’t rush things out because fate doesn’t work on schedule.
  1. It is possible to make other people your soul mate with the right attitude. Growth is one of the component. However, it takes two to tango and requires their willingness.
  1. Finding your soul mate does not guarantee a happy ending. Yes, you will find the other half of your heart but never miss the fact that what you have is not a fairy tale and that both of you will live happily ever after. A relationship with your soul mate takes work.
  1. Mr or Ms. Soul Mate is never perfect. Don’t expect them to be exactly how you imagined them to be otherwise you create a false connection. They are human. They will make mistakes along the way (and so will you).

All this is valuable in finding someone who can be with you for life. Saying you “found them” however, can be contrary to what it really takes to discover your soul mate when the process involves you knowing what matters and working together with the person you care for. Once you’ve “found” each other, you reach a completion that makes the two of you more together. It will be all worth it now you know how to find your soulmate.

Written by: Joshua Uebergang helps men become their best self, and better with people, at



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