Men are addicted to ejaculation and they don’t even know it. We haven’t been educated to what might help us grow as a species. Andrew Barnes, internationally acclaimed tantric expert says, “The world would be a happier place if men ejaculated less and women orgasmed more”. In this article we look at how to stop ejaculating.
Barnes notes, “I feel it is very important for men to have a rite of passage into adulthood. A lot of young men don’t have rites of passage anymore. Women, no matter where they are in the world, have a rite of passage into adulthood. It happens upon them through their first menstruation. However, men need to have a rite of passage created for them, to signify the transition from adolescence into manhood.”
“Nowadays men can attend workshops and dance naked around a fire together chanting and things like that, it’s great and very bonding for the men. However, I don’t feel that these kinds of experiences really support men in a day-to-day practical way to develop a deep awareness of their emotional body landscape. A modern day rite of passage for men needs to involve an opportunity for integration of their physical, emotional and energy body consciousness.”
“A powerful option for men as a rite of passage can be to learn how to break the cycle of their addiction to ejaculation and to develop ejaculatory choice. The journey required for men to break this cycle will most definitely give them a chance to integrate all levels of consciousness. Along with beginning to heal the many wounds created from their life-long conditioning of needing to fit into the unhealthy gender role of the basic male image of many societies.”
“Men letting go of their addiction to ejaculation and developing ejaculatory choice, I tell you (from experience), is an intense personal development course within itself. One which will support them to step into their power as men in ways that they could not imagine, and as a bonus it will indeed have a dramatic positive affect on their relationships with women.”
My personal addiction to ejaculation
I started to ejaculate from around the age of 13. Conversation at school became competitive when it came to masturbation. We’d have ‘wanking Olympics’ – these would consist of how far we could ejaculate, how fast we could ejaculate… nobody every beat my record of 28.45 seconds from flaccid to erection to ejaculation. These stories only perpetuated an addition to ejaculation.
By the time I was 27, a week was the longest I went without ejaculating, and I couldn’t walk properly at the end of it. My balls felt like they were about to explode. Never had I met or even heard of a guy who had stopped ejaculating.
A couple of months after meeting Andrew and hearing what he said, I stopped. I decided that I had to know what else was possible. I am now two months in. Andrew recommends that all men stop for at least a year in order to reconnect with themselves.
What has non-ejaculation been like for me?
One of the hardest things is to accept you are truly addicted; you almost have to treat yourself as if you were going to alcoholics anonymous, but this is hardly ejaculation anonymous: I am telling you guys all about it!
The first two or three weeks were very hard. I had to re-circulate the energy with yoga and breathing techniques.
The primal urge to release my biological seed from the prison it was now imposed was bordering on insane.
But I ploughed on through and after the first three weeks everything seemed normal. There was still an urge to ejaculate at times but I could let it pass.
Once I took the need to ejaculate out of a sexual act with another person, things started to change… dramatically.
Sex has now become multi orgasmic and the waves of orgasmic energy I can now ride are mind blowing. I literally bathe in an orgasmic state during sex.
Just last night I had waves of orgasms travel through me from kissing – this is a completely new experience for me.
I put this down to the rise in orgasmic vibration and energy my body now feels. Because I am circulating this energy around me rather than keeping it centered in one place, it has opened up new portals for pleasure.
I’m learning that without that obsessive, addictive pull towards ejaculation, life takes on a different flavor, sex has an even more sharing and loving aspect – I am never having sex just to ‘get off’, and if I do ‘get off’, it’s in a much more fulfilling and deeply orgasmic way.
I also feel less competitive with other men when it comes to sex. The spilling of seed in or on a woman is almost like a dog marking territory. When this aspect is erased, the dynamic changes to one of much more celebration of my partner and the energy between us.
My lover’s thoughts on ejaculation
“The expectation of male ejaculation interrupts the process of a woman’s lovemaking. It is like an intrusive, invisible ticking clock flashing menacingly the time it takes for a particular man to ejaculate. The reality is that while women experience the pulsating delight of their lover’s pleasure, their own satisfaction for the most part is left unrealized. While his cum slowly slips from soft white to clear fluid and streams across her abdomen, her own pleasure is often overlooked.
While I had often found satisfactory pleasure in the pursuit of male ejaculation, typically, once the predetermined task is complete, my own waking body slips back into the desire that drove the lovemaking in the first place.
Suddenly, the desire for a woman to reach orgasm is diminished by conclusive evidence of orgasm: ejaculation. This can become an issue between lovers when satisfaction is seemingly reached by one, and not by the other.
What if male ejaculation is no longer the purpose? I just so happen to be in the presence of a lover in such a circumstance. He had not ejaculated for about six weeks, and had voiced his desire to not ejaculate for a year. At first, I thought it meant that it would require abstinence from stimulation and masturbation and how painful it must be to suffer from blue balls. I also assumed at first that the interest in sexual relations would be kept to a minimum. I even imagined his declaration must be the root of some monkish, religious pursuit.
I was cautious about the nature of his male spiritual endeavour and therefore my own sexual drive was held at bay. But even still, I was intrigued by the unusual calm display of resistance to ejaculation and incredibly aroused by his constant stream of sexual energy. I became captivated by the challenge of getting him off. I take him in my mouth, all the while listening for the all too familiar sound, and the evidence of completion. But what I receive instead is the holding back, the tight grip. I push for him to cum and stop, and wait. Slowly, we begin again. We are in a circle of hold and release. I feel that withholding that forces him into a deeper realm than the physical act of ejaculation. This want becomes primal. Time is irrelevant. We are driven deeper and a sweet pain courses though me. I breathe it into him, we stop, we sleep, we begin again.”
The non-ejaculatory path
Tao master Mantak Chia and writer of the book, ‘Multi Orgasmic Man’, explains:
“You must learn to draw your sexual energy out of your genitals and to circulate it through the rest of your body to truly master the Taoist techniques for experiencing multiple and whole-body orgasms and for improving your health.”
Deep, circulatory breathing is needed, and a visualization of pulling the orgasm back into my body rather than pushing out to ejaculate really helped me reach the state of a multi orgasmic being.
Chia also notes,
“Sexual energy is available to men twenty-four hours a day, but most men starve themselves because they believe they can satisfy themselves sexually only during a few minutes of intercourse. The most liberating thing for men is to discover that they have total access to and control over their sexual energy at any time.”
How might non-ejaculation help men?
Without the need to satisfy the urge to cum through searching for one-night stands, short term (only sex based) relationships, pornography, and prostitutes – I am sure the relationship men currently have with sex would change.
How to stop ejaculating
- Start small. Aim for two weeks, try to hit a month and see how you feel at that point.
- All porn has to stop.
- Dramatically cut down drinking alcohol. When you wake up with a hangover and you want to sleep, you will be very tempted to ejaculate.
- Start morning yoga. We have details of ‘The 5 Tibetans’ on this article. This is truly awesome for re-circulating sexual energy.
- Masturbate to the edge of ejaculation, re-circulate the energy with your breath.
With a partner
Communication is incredibly important when learning how to stop ejaculating. The first thing you need to say to a partner is: “I want to practice non-ejaculation to see what it can do for my life. I’d like us to share this journey.” Some partners may really want you to ejaculate, as often women also link ejaculation to pleasing a partner. Explain that you want to try a new way of being and use the following tools to do so:
- During sex you need to be aware of your arousal rate and stop a few thrusts before your think you will ejaculate. When your arousal has decreased, start again (this may take 20 or 30 seconds).
- Focus on your breath. You have a choice between short, rapid breath or deep, slow breathing. The deep breathing gives you more control, and the quick breath disperses the energy.
- Contract the PC muscle. Also known as ‘the perineum.’ If you practice “The 5 Tibetans” (on the next page), you will be contracting the perineum. Squeeze this muscle when you are about to reach orgasm with your partner.
- Pull down on the balls. Get your partner to pull down on your balls in order to stop ejaculation.
Mantak Chia has some additional advice on holding back your seed, “Whatever techniques you use to heat yourself up and cool yourself down, the most important parts of the practice are breathing, squeezing your PC muscle, and learning to relax into a non-ejaculatory orgasm.”
Further reading: Mantak Chia’s Multi Orgasmic Man.
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