Men, I think you are lying to yourselves…
When it comes to your relationships with women and how you see women in your lives, what you want and how you feel has been sadly pushed under the table. This article is my relationship advice for men.
There are a lot of things you want in the world, for yourself, and from your relationships with women. But there is one thing that really drives you and you might not even realize it.
You want a woman to SEE you. Because being seen makes you feel known. And feeling known helps you know yourself, and knowing yourself makes you feel free.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but most women can’t see you for one of two reasons:
1) Women can’t see clearly yet due to goddess ego, thinking they are further along than they are, unresolved father shit, and romance fantasy expectations.
2) YOU don’t see yourself or know yourself clearly yet and you’re still looking for an insatiable porn whore with great birthing hips and who is “drama free” and “easy to deal with”…. and you may well also have unresolved mother shit.
And if you are in the #2 category, here’s a bit of insight:
Men who are clear and present don’t have to avoid women’s emotions or drama because there is this magical thing that happens when they are around: their presence actually helps a woman manage and move her emotions. The mechanics of that kind of presence is for another story.
So what do you do? KNOW THYSELF.
The best way I know to know yourself is to allow yourself to be known. And you really don’t know who you truly are until you are up against the parts of yourself that you never let anyone see. The parts that only show up when you get really really really close and intimate with someone. The ones that make you fear the other person will leave you for if you let them out.
Here is the common thought process: You are a man, you are not built to be with just one woman. It’s just not in your biological nature. Right?
I’m calling bullshit. You are built to do whatever you choose. I know what you want. You want freedom. You also want to be deeply felt and seen. You want intimacy.
I know your secret. You WANT to journey this life with one woman who you can go deep with. You want it so bad but you’re so frustrated with how women are these days; how they show up, the expectations they have, all the shit you have to learn just to get a woman to give you the time of day, and the things you have to give up to have this and that. You have given up hope. You’re not willing to give up your freedom for the intimacy that you desire. So you choose freedom every time.
You don’t know how to have both freedom and intimacy at the same time, and no one has given you a clear solution that doesn’t involve getting your balls chopped off. I get it.
What if I told you that freedom and intimacy are not mutually exclusive? What if I said that true freedom only comes when you know how to be intimate to the core with people, when you can enter and exit any group/community/level of consciousness there is. There we have a true master.
Deep down you know there is a space with ONE woman where you can be freer than you have ever been. Because let’s face it, sex is tangly and feelings get involved and it gets complicated. It’s also a big distraction. Sure it’s fun and maybe necessary to go through a playboy phase of just casual sex, or even short lived but very deep encounters, but at some point in your life, you will want something more than that.
To be honest, I haven’t seen a man successfully, responsibly or effectively handle multiple women in sexual relationships.
This is where I think you have it twisted.
I think that if you’re only doing “open relationships” and avoiding what looks like monogamy there is something you are lying to yourself about. You can be as crystal clear with women about how you operate as you want. But I don’t buy it. You’re hiding and you’re deeply angry with yourself about it.
You’re waiting for the perfect woman to show up instead of realizing that the woman you want needs help waking up. And so do you. And you can do it together. I know this pathway.
How you handle ONE woman is how you handle the world
I was on a Women’s Panel at The Conference for Men, and during that conference, Michaela Boehm – who is the only certified person to teach under David Deida’s name – gave the men a swift dose of reality when she said “The world is basically a big woman. And she wants to fuck you up.”
In case you haven’t noticed because you live in a part of the world that is really safe and comfortable, the world is still a harsh reality. And the Big Mama will take every chance she gets to show you were you are fuck-with-able because that is really what a good mother does. She sharpens your sword so you can get ahold of yourself, and instead of having to cope with the world, you can command the world to cope with you.
It would be safe to say that how you handle the women in your life is how you handle the world around you. As a woman, I always heard that if a man treats his mother well, he will treat you well too.
While that is all true, what is TRUER is that “how you handle A WOMAN is how you handle the world”.
That’s right. ONE WOMAN.
Some people think it’s an accomplishment to successfully handle multiple sexual love relationships with many women. “Successfully” in this situation means being the type of man who just has these women around who are totally ok with it all and he’s not getting his head chopped off day and night or being run by women.
I think that calling the scenario an accomplishment is merely cute.
Sadly, the man I just mentioned is some sort of standard that women in self-help land (that I’ve encountered) are settling for and that a lot of men are looking up to.
You want to know what I think is an accomplishment? I know of a man who is the President of a Regional Healthcare system consisting of three major hospitals, several smaller clinics and family practices. He was previously a physician running his own practice and came into this leadership position not because he was looking for it, but because the board members unanimously voted for him as the person they wanted, and ASKED HIM to take the position.
On top of running a billion dollar (and top 1%) health care system and being responsible for the care quality and employee performance where he must make clear decisions and handle conflict with integrity, he is the biological father of 4 children, and after his divorce, paid alimony to an angry ex wife, later married a widowed woman with 3 children in which he took on the family leadership role of merging two sets of families, providing a safe home space, being present for the challenges, imperfections and emotions of growing teenagers and family conflict, all while being a present and loving husband, creating a space for his wife to grow and further her career as a psychotherapist, AND managing to keep himself fulfilled doing his work and tending to his trees on his acreage of land.
If you want to talk about responsibility, manhood and accomplishment, let’s get it straight. Honestly, look at both life paths and tell me which one requires more self actualization and integrity.
I’m not interested in talking about building great businesses and forwarding human consciousness if we’re not also looking at how people’s families and personal lives are, and how people are being true leaders in their lives and making a difference.
I’m not saying that this example is the end–all, be-all of manhood. There are other options and life paths for sure. But I think the “simple” accomplishments of men who are true leaders in their careers and in their family lives are the silent heroes we should be learning from and looking up to.
These are the people who are going to be changing the world in a tangible way. People who are willing to do what it takes to become a human being who can handle, hold, and BE that responsible for creating and sustaining something grounded and lasting.
So let’s get back to my point: How you handle ONE woman is how you handle the world.
The simple answer is this: Until you have had the experience and willingness to go into the depths of intimacy with ONE woman, you will never really know yourself and you will always be at the mercy of your desire for freedom, your desire for intimacy and your fear of not being able to have both at the same time. You will be stuck always compromising one for the other.
The kinds of emotions and unconscious stuff that comes up in our love relationships is the closest thing we will get to our core wounds next to doing the work with our parents directly.
And it’s that core stuff, the core wounding that is always sidestepping your desires and holding you back. If you don’t look at it and understand how to move through it and dissolve it, you will find yourself going out into the world, creating what you want, and sooner or later having the rug pulled out from under you by some woman you love or some other person who just becomes this demon angel pushing your buttons all the time.
HEAR THIS: Anyone can go out and start creating what they want with ambition and drive. Anyone can cultivate charisma and presence to attract and hold the success they want. Anyone can figure out how to make money, it’s a pretty simple formula.
But when your true self emerges, say, when you fall in love with someone and they don’t want to be with you, or the love of your life leaves you for someone else, or when your best friend has sex with that woman you’ve been into for months, or when your business partner decides they want out and they also are suing you for more money than you can imagine for rights to the company, or your kid tells you they hate you, or your teenage daughter tells you she’s pregnant and she wants to keep the baby….
What happens when shit hits the fan? How you handle yourself in those places says more about you than anything. And the reason why going deep with ONE woman is so important is because that’s a commitment to depth that will push buttons not even your fear of being broke can push.
There is nothing more refining for your manhood than the emotions and fire of a woman. And there is nothing more challenging than staying until it dissolves on it’s own, without a big conflict, without you having to play the asshole card to get her to run.
If you don’t trust that you can be yourself in the face of anyone else’s judgement or manipulation, you will always be building compromise into anything you create and you will never feel free.
If you can learn to show up fully as yourself, no compromising, with the one person on the planet that you’re afraid of losing, the person you turn into a complete whack job around because you love them so much, then you can handle any situation and any kind of conflict that will arise.
Then you will feel what freedom is really like.