Stacey was married to Robert in 2006 (names changed for privacy purposes). Within a year and a half, Robert started paying for sex. Sex had become disconnected. There was pain during sex for Stacey. They were good friends, there was some kind of attraction, but there wasn’t enough awareness during the sex act, it seemed really suffocating for Stacey. It felt like it did more damage than it was beneficial. It wasn’t healthy sex.
Why did your ex-husband start paying you for sex?
I’d quit having sex with him because it didn’t fulfill me. I would service him in other ways, hands, mouth, not so much with my vagina. He knew it had become a chore for me so he offered to pay me for it. I said, ‘okay, sure.’ It was kind of a game.
How much did he pay you?
It wasn’t very much! Anywhere between $20 and $50.
Would you have full intercourse?
Sometimes we would. It would depend on how it felt. We eventually stopped having sex. Our body chemistry stopped working together. It wasn’t worth it, I told him to go have sex with somebody else.
Did he ever try and pay for something that he couldn’t normally get?
I was fearful over doing anal with him as he was very well endowed. I had done anal in a previous relationship and it tore me. This was a problem for me for 6 months, so I didn’t want to try it with him (or with anyone for that matter). He would often try and get to pay me for this, but this was one thing I would never accept money for.
How did it feel getting paid for sex?
It was kind of fun and exciting as it felt like I was doing something inappropriate. It was odd to be getting paid for sex – there is obviously the stereotype of prostitutes.
I would have probably had sex with him anyways, but there was an extra layer of benefit, an added bonus of free money for me. Sex happened more often.
It was always him coming to me; I was not offering myself up for him. It only went on for a few months, but if it had gone on for longer I would have looked at my sales skills!
Looking at the sexual encounters I have now, sexuality for me now is a form of transcendence, it’s being present and being able to expand with someone. Opening up chakras, kundalini energy rising, it’s all about presence. My sexuality has moved on a lot since this time. For me, being able to be sexual with a partner requires an open heart, presence and engagement at a very deep level.
What did you learn from the experience?
I learned that it stays harmful if you remember it that way… a light heart about love lives a blessed life. Set a container (the agreement field) before doing anything like this and speak about it afterwards… this is a great way to process or try something out of the “safe or questionable” zone.
We totally agree. If you want to try something a little bit more edgy like this in your relationship, then communication about why you are doing it, what you want from it and how you FEEL about it is incredibly important to the dialogue with your partner.
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