Kisses have the power to intrigue and inspire. One kiss can easily turn into two. It can heat things up and turn things on.

A kiss can be the start of an amazing night in bed or a passionate relationship. 

But it can also lead to a polite “Good night,” followed by a “Thanks but no thanks,” message the next day.

Part of what makes the difference is physical. Moving your tongue fast, slow, deep or shallow creates different moods and sensations. Your enjoyment creates more spark than if you’re indifferent. These seem pretty obvious. But there is a tricky piece many men overlook that I’d love to bring to your attention.

I’ll use my most recent date to illustrate:

I am sitting in a wine bar with a man. We’re drinking; you guessed it, a lovely bottle of wine and chatting about our lives and priorities. Our values seem to match and I find him nice looking.

Though I don’t feel an immediate spark, I’m totally willing to give it some time. After all, we’re human, and I know first dates can be awkward. I don’t subscribe to “once a friend, always a friend.” I’ve had spark build over time before.

About an hour into the date we’re talking about attraction and sharing thoughts and jokes about the book “The Game!” He says he doesn’t want to play games. He would rather be real. I let him know I appreciate that. I’m not into games either, at least not when they are manipulative.

“I’m not trying to just get you in bed,” he says. “Let’s be honest, we’re both attractive enough that we can have sex if we want to.”

“Yes,” I agree.

But then it’s as though a switch turns on in his mind. Maybe a line from a pick up artist gives him a sense that he might be doing something wrong. He mutters something like; “Maybe I haven’t been putting enough attention on turning you on though.”

This line could have been really sexy if it was delivered with passion. Had he looked into my eyes with care, really paying attention to me as he spoke, I may have felt suddenly flushed with desire. But the tone of his delivery was flat and full of shame.

I had really been appreciating that he wasn’t forcing the sexy part of the date. Meaningful conversations turn me on too! More flirting could have been fun, but I don’t need turn-on in every moment of a date. The thing about those turned on moments is that they have to be good, or they kill the possibility for more.

So he starts to move his hand up and down my arm with about as much presence as you’d bring to picking a piece of lint off your sweater. I think he was attempting to turn me on. As a woman with plenty of experience with intentional touching and orgasmic meditation, I notice I’m feeling very little pleasurable sensation.

After a few lacklustre arm strokes, he leans in for a kiss. I’m shocked at how sudden and disconnected it feels but I kiss back for a moment to see if it could start to feel good. Like I said, I have room for human awkwardness!

I continue to feel nothing, so I pull back.

“That’s all?” He asks, with a slight grin on his face.

I take a moment, check in with my desire and say, “Yes, that feels like enough.”

“Really?” he asks, slightly annoyed.

Okay, this is the key piece! I can understand that he’d feel annoyed or disappointed. I don’t blame him for that.

What didn’t work was that his focus was mainly on himself. That one kiss was our last kiss because he was barely aware of or feeling me.

How do I know this?

The only part of my response he noticed was that he didn’t get to have any more of what he wanted.

When he said, “That’s all?” What he was really saying was, “Why aren’t you continuing with what I want?”

Had he been focused on me, he would have been curious. Any curious question, where he put his attention on me, would have felt better.

He could have said:

“I noticed you pulled back. How come?”

“I noticed you pulled away. Was that too soon?”

“Hmmmm…. that didn’t seem to do it for you. Is there another way you like to kiss?”

“What would you need before we try that again?”

He would have to be sincere with each of these questions, of course. Asking without really wanting to know the answer doesn’t work. But can you see the difference between curiosity and his self-focus? Each of these questions expands his attention from his own desire to include me. It includes wanting it to be good for me too.

If your attention is mainly on how an experience feels for you, rather than how it feels for you AND the woman you’re with, she won’t feel drawn to you.

So, if you feel a woman pulling away from a kiss, for any reason, don’t skip over that and try to force her to kiss you more.

Ask her what she’s feeling. Give her space to be honest. Find the strength in yourself to hold her honesty without making yourself wrong.

You may be scared to hear the answer. But she’s already thinking it so you might as well know.

You may think it makes you look weak. But it actually shows you care.

You may think it will turn her off. But you’ve already done that so connect with her.

You can often reignite a woman’s turn-on by paying attention to her rather than forcing your own agenda. It’s an art, but it can be learned!

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