Ask yourself these questions…
⟹ Do you know your true boundaries?
⟹ Can you say no in any situation?
⟹ Or are you easily persuaded to say yes?
⟹ Will you stand up for your rights in ANY situation?
⟹ Do you know your moral standards of what is and what is not acceptable for your own body/soul/health/mind? Do you? Do you REALLY?
⟹ Do you know how to say no in your sex life?
⟹ Do you know how to say no to your boss?
⟹ Do you know how to say no to your government?
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
If we can’t say no to illegal wars, spying, corrupt banking systems, or even something as simple as saying no to sex when we don’t feel it’s right – we are betraying our own selves.
The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries are fundamental in life. There are physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, mental boundaries, spiritual boundaries and sexual boundaries.
How do you know your boundaries?
Your boundaries are no different to your feelings.
As long as you are listening to your emotions, you know exactly what your boundaries are.
If you do not, you are violating yourself and your own boundaries.
This is true when it comes to not only sex, but all other areas of life.
Furthermore, if you do not listen to other peoples’ boundaries (especially when it comes to sex and relationships) you are violating the other peoples’ boundaries. It is only you who can decide what your boundaries are.
You must know who you really are and you must be known by whom you are and what you really want by others.
When we live in fear, we do not have healthy boundaries.
We may say yes when we mean no and no when we mean yes.
We do not want to feel and set boundaries on what is true for us. By denying what we truly are and what we truly want, this becomes a barrier for intimacy.
If you are putting up boundaries for intimacy then you are in resistance to the world.
How Do You Create Healthy Boundaries?
1. Feel into your feelings. When something is not right, question yourself on if you have stepped into a place where you could have set a healthy boundary for yourself.
2. Write down as many things in recent memory that caused negative emotions in you. What was it that caused it? Is there a healthy boundary that you could put in place?
3. Make changes based upon what you really feel inside your body.
Remember that boundaries will change as your circumstances change. Always make changes according to your feelings, not to how other people think you should change.
⟹ Key Point: Whilst giving yourself permission to feel what you really feel, give others the permission to really feel what they feel.
Start saying to people in situations when you think they are holding their feelings back or pre-judging themselves, “Look, please don’t hold back your real thoughts and feelings because of me or because of your judgments on yourself. Let it all out. The real you is much more interesting.”
What stops you from saying no? Fear of the other person not being able to hear a no?
An obligation to say yes?
Perhaps also being unable to articulate the underlying source. We all want to be accepted and so the conflict between no and yes is really the raw root of contemplations.
You cannot examine the meaning of “no” without the equal and opposite “yes”, and “yes” is the receiving part that must not be opposed. Most of the time it is in between the indecisive moments that interfere with what one truly wants. More likely, it is the affirmation that proclaims “yes” that must be clearly demonstrated.
Knowing what you want is just as significant as knowing what you do not want. In the end, being able to articulate is the greater struggle. The practice of effective communication without fear is necessary and will define your expectations.
Mind reading is not a suitable means of communication.
Practice yes and no with force to a series of questions or scenarios and set your intention for yourself.
Articulation means being able to say out loud what you are thinking, and that comes with a great deal of necessary comfort. We have all learned that to be the only one with a difference of opinion – feeling like the odd one out – is embarrassing.
But this fear is has no grounding, as, especially in this situation, you should be proud of what your nos and yeses mean to you.
Mean what you say and say what you mean.
Also a consideration is the use of coaxing. When have we not been told “no” and yet have persisted?
Perseverance is an admirable quality as well as the gratification of challenge. Playing hard to get is a cliché that does not really examine what is within but instead fulfills the shallow notions of everyone else.
These influences too must be banished and that is a difficult thing to do. Remove the static and find the one voice that matters and you will hear clearly the yes and the no.
A great place to start saying no and setting personal boundaries is in your closest intimate relationships. We’ve all been in situations where we should have said no when we didn’t. We’ve probably all said yes to sex when it wasn’t a really good idea for us; whether we were in a relationship or it was a casual thing. We’re human, we were unlikely to have been taught these important things: Knowing your boundaries. Having your boundaries for your sex and your body is one of the most important things for your overall health as a human.
Starting with the cornerstones of what is right for our body when it comes to nutrition, fitness and sex is paramount to our overall health. Answer these questions quietly to yourself…
What kind of sex is acceptable to you?
Why do you have sex when you have sex? For what reason?
Do you want to be distracted by alcohol, drugs or music when you have sex?
Is it acceptable to have sex after you have an unresolved argument?
How much connection do you need with someone before sex?
Are you unhappy if someone rejects you for sex? Why?
Is your sex life nourishing for your soul? Or is it nourishing for your ego?
The crux of saying no comes down to the connection with your emotions. Are you scared to have sex with this person? Can you really feel inside your heart to feel if something that isn’t right?
This is applicable whether you are a man or a woman. There is a reality that exists in this world where men are unable to say no, these are men who are addicted to their ejaculation. As a man, if you are addicted to ejaculating then you are fair game for any woman as you won’t be able to say no. We have our years of watching porn as teenagers to blame for our ejaculation addiction.
Raw question for men: Are you able to say no to sex in a relationship if it doesn’t feel right? Are you able to say no to a new lover even if you didn’t have sex for a few months?
How To Say No To Sex
⟹ Feel into your body. Feel into your intuition. Do not allow someone to touch you if you are not ready for it.
⟹ Allow yourself to say yes if you are ready. Do not expect the other person to read your mind. This means verbally saying, “You may touch me here.” Be playful.
⟹ Seize the moment. Do not wait to say no, if you feel the moment to say it – say it.
⟹ You don’t have to be aggressive to say no. For example, you could say. “I’m sorry, this doesn’t feel right for me at the moment. Can we talk/cuddle/dance?” or “We have to stop what we are doing. I need to respect my body and mind.”
⟹ Practice saying no out loud to yourself. Ask yourself a question out loud. “Do I want to have sex with him?” “Yes, I do.”
How to Hear a No
Just as important as saying no, is the ability to receive a no. When you are able to say no you will also be able to hear a no and not take it personally. Both sexes need to be able to hear a no and fully respect it. This is transference away from ego (and having sex purely because of ego) to a place where everything is from a deeper place.
Try making the habit of hearing a ‘yes’ three or more times before going fully into sex, but always be ready for a no and be happy to stop at any moment. If it is a ‘no’ that comes, that’s it, do not continue. If you are a guy, there is no continuous ‘physical escalation’ or crying over spilt milk.
Try to make a habit of asking what your lover wants; ask for that verbal yes. How can you listen, if you do not ask?
True Fact: Physical escalation is rife as online advice and spoken about amongst guys as the ‘way to sleep with a girl’ – “You must escalate, she will not do it for you.”
For those not in the know, escalation is step-by-step moving physically closer to sex. This might start with handholding, move to a hug, kiss, hands on legs etc., etc.
The idea is to get someone so horny they can’t do anything but take their clothes off. If you are the man or woman on the receiving end of this and you are unable to feel into your body, then speak out of your mouth a firm, “No, I am not ready for this.”
Then people end up going on a cycle of potential unwanted and emotionally negative sex. This energy is then stored, built up, and is no good for your body.
Finding a voice that is your own, unencumbered by circumstance or influences, is challenging, but really asserting yourself is important.
We need to break through the stereotypes as well as the struggle between the sexes. “Females who say yes are easy” or “Say no and they might call you a bitch” – we have to let this go as a society and as individuals.
It’s time to wake up to all the conditioning around us, feel into our hearts and know what is right for us. Take time this month to feel into your yeses and no’s in all areas of your life.
Be strong. Love Yourself. Say No When You Want To.
Need more? See this article on sexual consent